Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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