Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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