woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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