Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
