I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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