i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
