Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
