I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
