i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
