The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
