got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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