nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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