You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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