Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
