peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize