Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
