You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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