I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize