remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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