Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
