Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
The best revenge is premature balding
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
