What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
