i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
We need to get me chipped asap
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
