new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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