I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
someone owes me an orgasm
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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