I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
