I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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