I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
NoShamevember. You game?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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