if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
