It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
