Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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