ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
