Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
