Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
