the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
