Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Someone signed my nipple.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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