Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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