did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i need an iv and a liver transplant
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
