So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
