Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
