If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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