Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
