I wanna bring you to show and tell
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
