You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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