dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
