A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize