Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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