I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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