Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Small penises have feelings too.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
