next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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