According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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