Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
