my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
