I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
