the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
