I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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